It’s hard to explain to people on the outside what it’s like being the parent of a child in active addiction. I hope that this reaches someone that needs to see they aren’t alone with all the emotions. Sometimes us parents, especially mothers I feel, get criticism for having a child with substance abuse disorder. Or maybe it’s more that we are beating ourselves up; reliving every little mistake, over analyzing the shit out of everything. Probably a bit of both. This is what we feel or hear from others. “We did something wrong, didn’t raise them right, didn’t care enough or love them enough, this would never happen to MY child” (usually from a parent of a 3 and 6 year old 🙄).

Well, this is what really goes on, or did for me and many other parents I’ve spoken to. We go to hell and back to try to save our babies. They are always our babies no matter how old. I complied excerpts of posts I had put up while my daughter was fighting off the devil to best capture what it’s like from our (parents) perspective.

She’s gone.

Despite all of her efforts she gave in to the darkness and she left in the middle of the night. It’s easier to go back to what you know then to face the unknown which is so incredibly scary and stressful. For someone who hasn’t learned any adult coping skills I guess this process has just been too much for her. Needless to say we are devastated. I pray she is found soon. I will be issuing a missing persons report when it’s been 24 hours in hopes of finding her. I’m not giving up on her, SHE WAS MINE FIRST!!!

I know this girl was meant for greatness when she beats this. Somehow I will get my sunshine back from this devil. — feeling heartbroken.”

This was written on one of the many nights she promised to go to detox in the morning, and when I woke up she was gone.

I am both heartbroken and numb simultaneously somehow, it’s a strange feeling. I just called Ava and she is no longer at the facility, she has been discharged. I can only speculate the reason. We all know the reason.

I feel like she was right there, right there in my hands and she got ripped out, pulled back into that addiction abyss.

I might hear from her, I might not. She is now homeless, no way to reach her, no way to know if she’s still alive. Back to cringing when the phone rings in case it’s “that call”, dying a little inside when I do see her and see the pick marks all over, her face hollow and empty, missing my other half so badly and praying every night someday I’ll get her back.

 

Heroin doesn’t deserve to have her, to steal that special spark only she has. To steal her from my family. To maybe take her from this world that would never be the same without her, all with just one little syringe.

 

No, just fucking NO!!! SHE WAS MINE FIRST!!!”

This was written after she had stayed the longest she ever had at rehab. She generally would leave within a week or two. She had made it 25 days clean, the longest she had gone at that point, and seemed like it was “clicking”. It’s so hard as a loved one because you get your hopes up every time, and frequently things don’t go as we hope. A girl had snuck alcohol into the facility and she succumbed which led to her being discharged. She overdosed early in the morning the following day…

“Just got “the call”…”This is the hospital, your daughter is here for a heroin overdose”. It’s surreal when it finally comes.

She is stable now, she got a pass for another day to fight. I’m just screaming in my head right now “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! WHAT DO I DO??!!!”. I will be going to the hospital shortly to figure this shit out and hug my daughter who I am so fucking lucky I get to go hug.

This has to stop. It’s going to stop. No more. I am fighting for this girl, SHE IS MINE! I’m not giving my beautiful, funny, sunshine to this devil. NOT FUCKING HAPPENING!!!! — feeling heartbroken.

I am grateful every single day that I got to bring her home and not just a patient belongings bag. This is the reality for so many.

But there’s hope. There’s always hope no matter how bad things seem. Ava is now 18 months clean. She just had a beautiful healthy baby girl. She amazes me every day.

#wedorecover #neverlosehope