Tue. Jul 16th, 2019

Unvarnished

“It’s a matter of stripping away life’s deceptions. Start at the smallest parts, the pieces that you don’t think matter. Tear them apart, one by one. Which you have done. You have spent a lifetime doing it. So when the bigger pieces seem harder to do, you remember the difference when it was smaller. That’s how you understand, it’s how you know the truth.”

A tear falls slowly down my cheek. When he speaks on what he knows, he does it gently because he knows how it feels when the truth reveals itself. He knows what I have to do. He’s been here.

But when he speaks, he makes sense of all that’s sat within me, unsettled.

I wipe one tear away and another replaces it. Repeating the motions as my sleeve gathers enough that I feel the dampness against my wrist.

“I know,” I say, though I am the only one in the room. I say it aloud as though he is here with me. He always feels close enough to be here with me.

“It’s not hard to learn once you unlearn, but the process is one that takes time. Maybe we should stop for now, you seem overwhelmed.”

The cursor on the screen just blinks where it sits, waiting for my next move.

“No,” I tell him. “Not at all. I mean, yes, I am overwhelmed, but I don’t want to stop. Life hasn’t made sense until now.”

Nothing has made sense until now.

“Answers don’t arrive until you question everything. Learning comes with the ability to dig deeper. Being blind means being blinded to reality – to allowing what you see and feel to make sense, not just believing what you’re told.” As I embrace the words, I embrace reality.

And it wasn’t until I accepted that life unfolds on purpose that I was able to understand all of the things I could never grasp. My dots are being connected on their own. I spend the necessary time looking inward. I take what I can and look outward. I’m still learning. I will always be learning.

I know the truth is never easy. I know it will be hidden until it is searched for, and even then all of the answers won’t be there. He’s been patient with me. He waits, knowing my next question will come – and he’ll be ready to guide me, helping me find answers.

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