Thu. Oct 29th, 2020

Unrecognizable

There comes a time when someone changes everything. The give and take, turned take, take, take, is enough to break anyone. Tears fall in the first second that no one is around but this doesn’t mean you’ve never cried in a crowded room. Sometimes the sobbing is uncontrollable, but just briefly because his time is more important than that, it’s more important than you. You can’t cry for too long unless you’re all alone.

Emptiness becomes both familiar and the best description to offer of life. And you count the seconds, 1, 2, 3 ,4, before he leaves, from sleeping to waking until his feet pass through the door. And you pause… you stop… you breathe.

You’ve become unrecognizable.

The blackness tucked away inside is some strange gift he gave you years ago. You hold it tightly because it’s the only thing he’s given without expectation. He laughs at your pain. You shove it down deeper, to a whisper. Your life is void of meaning. Its value is yet to be determined as he evaluates all you do, turning everything upside down. The chaos is his only constant.

This is all unrecognizable.

He’s seething with anger, and he’s got you backed into a corner again. It’s where he loves you the most. His breath is hot. Your neck is burning and his grasp is so damned tight. In an instant you feel your head hit the floor. He’s heavy. You can’t breathe. 1, 2, 3, 4, you count each time your nails scratch his skin as you claw at him to get away. He’s just so heavy that fighting back makes you so exhausted. Your voice is gone and you’ve never felt so small.

You’ve become unrecognizable.

It becomes just another story you’re afraid to tell. You’ll hold it inside of you, just like the rest of them. So many times you will try to tell it, but so many times you’ll fail to just like every time before. Until you realize that no one else can know unless you say it.

This is all unrecognizable.

So you say it all. And you say it all again but the mirror has no response. The tears fall as you cuss at the disgust that’s staring back at you. You can’t imagine a world without his words tearing you down all hours of the day and night. You’ve heard them so much that you repeat them so well that even he would admire your precision. You can’t get him out of your head. You claw at it like you’ve done this before but he’s still there. You can almost feel him sweating, the thought of him is so real.

You’ve become unrecognizable.

You fall to the floor. You’re sobbing. You’ve made yourself the pathetic heap you can still hear him say you are. Worthless. Waiting. Wondering. Breathing. Counting seconds as they pass. 1, 2, 3, 4, I don’t know who I am anymore. What did I let him do? This is all so unbelievable. I’m completely unrecognizable.

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