I had waited my entire life for you. I can’t even try to ignore the fact that somewhere inside of me, I always knew I’d have you. I can’t try to hide the fact that as time went by, I was saddened at the thought of your not coming.
After many days and years had passed – and the older I got – I’d somewhere then convinced myself that you weren’t my dream to have. After the miscarriage, I cried a lot. I didn’t understand why I’d been punished. But I never gave up the hope you’d show yourself eventually. Hope was the only thing that kept me alive.
I know that had things ever worked out differently, or had the words of any doctor come true, you’d be someone else’s dream. But one day there you were, completely unexpected. I couldn’t see you but I felt you with every part of me.
Though I had cried many times before, I cried new tears a lot – I was so happy that we’d made our way to each other even though I was afraid of so much. In the beginning, I was worried that you’d leave me, too. I then became afraid of how to be a Mom or if I even knew all the right ways of being one.
The only thing I knew with certainty was how much I loved you – and love is the only thing that matters. Maybe love was the thing that brought you here, so someone could finally receive mine.
I knew while I carried you inside of me, it was the only time I could protect you. I talked to you a lot when we were the only ones in the room. Though I never could sing in tune, you seemed to make me want to try.
We spent every night of your unborn months awake while the rest of the world slept. I was yours and you were mine and there wasn’t anything to come between us then. Every time you moved, I felt it – even when no one else could, even when no one else tried. It was just me and you and I prayed it always would be.
The day I finally met you was the best day of all of my days. My Mom said you weren’t any bigger than a minute and she couldn’t have been more right. Your seven pounds and twelve ounces filled my heart beyond capacity. It still feels like it’s barely big enough to hold it all – this love I have for you.
I cried. I felt so much love for you that I couldn’t help it. I cried at the hospital during our two-day stay. I cried in that room, with you, and alone. I cried because I never wanted anything or anyone to ever hurt you. But that’s the trouble with this world, we never can stop the hurt. My superpowers don’t extend this far, no matter how much I wish they could. I knew then they never would, just like I know this now.
I have learned through every experience I’ve had. I’ve even learned from you. And now my life is about you – helping you grow and helping you learn right from wrong.
I know you have a big heart and you love the world tremendously. I know too that you will be confused at times, just as you are now. After all, when you and me love, we do it big. Not being able to understand the way other people can be will sometimes make life seem hard. But I also know the size of our hearts and that won’t ever change. I also know that there will be those times when the size of your heart feels like a curse – but please don’t ever let this stop you from loving anyone.
I know you like to be around other people and I hope you always will. I know too that being around other people is how we learn to trust. I hope that trust is something you find from other people and I’ll be here if it’s ever broken.
I know you like the time you get when you’re alone. I hope you always find that time – to do things just for you. The time we spend alone is the time when we learn the most. It’s important to find that balance – the place between them and you.
I know there’ll be those days that you’ll want to end faster than others, just like those days you’ll have that you’ll wish won’t ever end. I hope you enjoy them all – because good or bad, they are worth living through, every single one.
I know there will be people who say mean things to you even when you don’t deserve them. I know their words will hurt. But I hope you learn with time that not everyone sees with the same eyes you do or hears with the same ears. Remember that none of that is your fault.
I also know that there are times in this great big world where our hearts get overlooked. Some people just don’t see them and they won’t even try. But I also know that there are people who show us love is real – even more real than we ever expected or could have ever hoped.
I hope that love will never hurt you. I hope no girl ever breaks your heart. But even in my hoping so I know it’s going to happen. I hope you know that while it’s okay to feel the pain of loss, it’s not okay to stay there. Some people may choose to walk away from you but don’t you ever blame yourself.
I know that even though some people are going to hurt you, you will also find the best friendships that you could have ever asked for. And I already know that sometimes life won’t bring these people to you until you experience the darkness of others. I hope you will always see beyond those that try to bring you down.
I hope you never convince yourself that misery is deserved. I hope that no matter how anyone else is, you will always be kind and helpful. I know you will always try to be good to everyone because it’s just who you are. I also know the worst pain to cause is the sadness in another person. I know this too is the worst way to feel from someone else. Try not to ever cause that sadness and don’t ever try to own it.
I hope you let everyone be your teacher – good or bad, they will all help you grow. And more than anything else, always put your own self first – who you are to you is so important. Make other people meet you there and don’t ever change for them. Be protective of your heart and of your space and above all, always look to God.
If you ever find yourself in doubt then remember the person you are, as well as the person you are still becoming. Respect the space in between the two. All the happiness and the pain you feel, will make you change for the better – I hope you always know that and I hope nothing will make you forget it. The best you can ever do is to just be who you are. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you differently. If anyone ever does then it’s just a person that refuses to know you – don’t be afraid to let them go.
Learn as much as you can about anything you could ever want to know. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that the answers aren’t always possible or that any question isn’t worth asking. Don’t ever let anyone stop you from finding truth if you feel what you’ve been told is wrong. Don’t believe anyone who tells you something is impossible to do.
I hope you always believe in yourself. I hope you will always believe in yourself just as much as I do. I hope you never doubt who you are or who you can become. And don’t ever let anyone tell you that who you are is not enough.
Suffocation is real by both hands and words and with everything inside of me, I hope you never feel it just as much as I hope you never cause it. You deserve the love you carry inside of you so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. My hand will always be here to help you and I hope you’ll always reach for it. I know all too well that it hurts to fall but I will always help you get back up. Don’t you ever forget that much.
I hope you know that I will help you do all of those things that you’ll want to do, even if no one else understands the why or the how for any of them. I know how it feels to be told that your time is being wasted. I hope you never hear it or feel how much that hurts. Our passions speak louder than anything else and following them is so important in this life.
I know how it feels to be left out and I hope you never do. I know how it feels to be misunderstood so I will always try to help you. It’s important to sort all of your feelings out, so don’t you ever try to bury them. And if someone tries to tell you that you’re wrong in how you feel, speak up for yourself and from your heart because your voice is important.
I hope you know that I understand all of your curiosities about life – even now before you have them. I know you’ll always wonder and I know you’ll have big questions. As often as you need to, I hope you always ask them. I hope you know that as much as I can, I will make sure we find the answers.
Just as I cry now about those things that haven’t happened, I cry every time your feelings are hurt. I know the emotion inside of every tear that falls. I know why each one’s there – both your tears and mine. I know that sometimes being held is good enough to help you heal. I hope you know you will always be good enough for me to hold.
While I know I haven’t always done this Mom thing right, I know I haven’t done it all wrong either. Without a doubt I can tell you no one has ever loved you more than I do – and that no one ever will. I love you bigger than the sky, and I always will. You’ll always be my best guy.