To love an addict is such a whirlwind of feelings, which is not my strength. I love so many so dearly though, I will try to articulate it for those who don’t as best I can.
To love an addict is so addictive in and of itself, because those I know are some of the most interesting, intelligent, sensitive people I’ve ever imagined. They take you places you’ve never been. Some of those places make you are as happy as you ever thought you could be, then there are those that are so dark, like a nightmare and you can’t wake up. In a blink of an eye, a second In time, these changes can occur. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever felt. I love it. I despise it.
You have this person who is so strong, then you watch this cunning, baffling bitch take them over. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, they are no longer yours. That person you know inside and out is just a shadow you are chasing of who they were maybe only last month, last week, yesterday. The thought of them dancing with that devil, and being in love with him more than you, is such a heavy weight to bare.
That powerful person you’ve seen for so long becomes broken and selfish and trapped. They no longer can see outside of the box they are chained inside of. There may be little peep holes…but that is it. They don’t see the hurt they cause. And if they do, it only perpetuates the cycle.
What the fuck do you do with that?? That box is so strong and you just bang and bang on it and hope the person inside can hear you screaming to open the door that you can’t from the outside. Only they have the key to set themselves free.
Every instinct you have is to smash open that glass on the fire safe on the wall and grab the hatchet to let them out. But you can’t. That hatchet might kill them in the process.
So you have to stand by the box and speak softly, and hope they can still hear you through the tiny holes. You have to fight yourself to keep from demolishing it to grab that person you love so much, and instead remind them that they hold the key.
You have the key to your box. I’m right outside waiting to love you. Just open that lock.