Mon. Jan 17th, 2022

I had this randomly pop into my head as I looked at the onslaught of bills turning red (not generally friendly reminders) today. This stack that has piled while I’ve worked so hard to help others for so long.

I stopped and felt sorry for myself for a minute. I won’t lie. I felt like I didn’t deserve this. The financial ruins my illness, addiction in general, and the loss of who I thought was my partner for life caused. The countless empty promises for employment from so many in the “industry”. I felt angry for a moment, and most importantly perhaps, something I don’t often feel; scared. Scared for my future, the future of my family.

Before all of this was thrown at me, I was a girl with plans A-L on a bad day. My shit was together. I wasn’t that person trying to figure out what tomorrow will hold. I knew how ends would meet, and if I wasn’t 1000% sure, I had many backups. Now, right this moment, I don’t. I can’t go back to Ophthalmology, which is what I did before I got sick, due to my illness making a slight tremor I have worse. The girl who had everything figured out now has a plan F for FUCCKK!!!!

This opiate epidemic that is making so many so wealthy hasn’t done that for me in any way. Quite the opposite…

It’s caused me to hope my power won’t be shut off next month. It’s cost my children being able to see a movie, go bowling; quality time with me. Things they had become accustomed to are no more. It’s caused me countless nights wide awake wondering if she or he is okay. Are you still okay now I ask myself as I run down a mental checklist of people I’ve helped in some way who may be struggling? Every. Fucking. Night. It is mentally exhausting. I’ve had to pick up a job that is physically exhausting and taking even more time from my kids and not helping enough with these endless bills. This epidemic has made me do, and advise others to do, whatever the fuck it takes to save those you love. Anything. Because I get it. As well as anyone could I believe. (Don’t believe me? Read my blog from the beginning.)

But I look at the stack of red and say for a second “For what? Here you are about to lose it all yourself. Why? Who’s going to ‘save’ you?”

I finally remember. It’s what I’ve told so many that have reached out for help from me, but couldn’t quite remember myself I suppose. Maybe I needed this wake up call. I’ve very slowly been recovering from the physical issues my fragile body has endured, the cognitive problems that incurred, and emotional trauma that has resulted over the last several years.

My eyes are wide open again.

No one.

Only you can save you.

So let’s do this. Whatever the fuck it takes. I’ll take red bills over black dresses any day. I WILL take my life back somehow, some way. I’m tenacious as fuck, even if I forgot for a while.

So are you. #SaveYourself #SheWasMineFirst

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