I was raised in a Baptist Church and Baptist private school of my church. I lost what little faith I had managed to muster when I was raped at the age of 14 in my Christian school, by another classmate, and a close trusted friend. My Grams prayed for me in the gap until she passed, as did other family who continued those prayers, until at the age of 40, God led his prodigal daughter back to Him. I was saved, and I was clean from addiction on June 12, 2015.
Since then my faith has never once faltered and has only grown stronger. Due to what had led me to lose my faith, I swore I was angry with my childhood pastor, teachers, principal, and peers. I was angry with the congregation and all of their hypocrisy. I was taught being angry with God wasn’t allowed because it was a sin. It took me over thirty-five years to understand that right or wrong, it WAS God I was angry at and blamed for the evils I suffered at man’s hands (being multiple instances before the age of 18). Especially when no one could explain to me, in a manner I could or would comprehend, why God allows such evils to happen to children.
I was so anger filled that I literally hated God. I spent my entire adult life living in every carnal sin known to man to spit in my Heavenly Father’s face and trying to destroy what was left of myself to end my own pain and suffering. I still struggle with pain from some of the things I suffered, but I don’t practice holding on to the anger of my wrong doers, instead I work towards practicing forgiveness.
I never understood that forgiving them, and even praying for them, had very little to nothing to do with them, but had everything to do with me. Learning to not just love unconditionally, as Christ does us, but to forgive unconditionally as Christ does is a continuous journey. Progress not perfection.
Sometimes hanging on to our pain so tightly is much more about the fear of letting it go and having to face that pain with no numbing agent. We find a false sense of comfort in our pain simply because it’s comfortable and familiar to us.
I hope some of my story can help someone else understand this spiritual battle a little bit more.