There was this feeling that would always come to the surface. It would always happen when someone would simply walk away, rather than engage in a cycle of endless disagreement. While meditating, it would bubble up and come out in what seemed like a flood of emotion and would leave me disturbed. Was I still angry? Was my ego getting the best of me?
Being self aware of your emotional state is very important. Allowing yourself to get to the bottom of those feelings and figuring out what the issue is so that you can have a better understanding, is what helps you the most.
Going through a self checklist everyday is a task. It’s often a necessary task to clean our side of the street. What really happened vs the lie we tell ourselves. While there are some things we simply cannot help as life just happens as it does, everyday, we can control how we react to them when they do.
For example, another co-worker is rude to you while working. You could either be rude right back or simply continue taking care of your job. Waiting until after work is over and having that conversation outside of the job can help. A simple, “Hey, I’m sorry if I made a mistake or did something wrong to offend you today,” can make all the difference. It could’ve just been a bad day. Or even something else that has nothing to do with you at all.
Not many know this, but I have a really bad temper. There I said it. Learning this at a really young age did help me. Realizing that my words can hurt people and cause them more pain helped me pause. I began slowing down in my anger. I began thinking about what I was really mad at in the first place.
Taking notice of my mother and grandparents and how they dealt with that anger, I noticed they would pray about it or clean the heck out of the house. I read somewhere that the state you keep your space in, is exactly how you feel on the inside. Interesting right?
Yes I said it. While promoting serenity and peace is a plus, taking notice that during those time that I do have more to say and I am upset, there’s nothing wrong with a snappy clap back in a poem. Why? The audience has no idea who you’re talking about and you’re free to express yourself. Plus, who looks good in an orange jumpsuit? Red is even worse people – hello. That thought often does keep me in check.
P.S. Yes, I’m a chicken.
Cleaning Your Space
With that thought in mind, it also reminded me that the best ideas come to me when cleaning my space. Usually everyone knows when I’m cleaning to stay away and just let me work through my emotions. Clarity often comes after the storm of the mind. During one of those times, Melvin, a friend had said, “Steph, where’s that inspiration we love so much?” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had been letting chaos and life get to me.
It’s great to have friends that can see when you’re struggling and call you out on it, too.
You feel this energy rising up inside
Don’t be scared of it because it’s your fire inside
The only time it rises is when you need the courage to move forward
When that happens you don’t care about the judgment of others
For what does it matter from those that took their pound of flesh They’re just mad at you because you stood up and said enough is enough
I’m feeding you no more you already took too much
You may think I’m worthless but I beg to defer
You might want to take that time to stare in the mirror
No need for apologies
Just know I forgave you already
Because the past is the past
And I’m moving toward my future already.
The poem Fire is what came pouring out of me. My friend was right. It was time to clean it up and burn up that which was no longer serving me. My energy was up and buzzing around me. Why? What changed, you may ask. Simple. Read the last line in the poem. My mindset is what changed. Moving forward to a much better state of mind where being sad and upset no longer bothered me is what I did. Embracing my future is exactly what the doctor ordered.
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