Do you ever feel like you’re living in a dream but you never really wake up?

I never thought I would use drugs, and I certainly never imagined the possibility that I would use heroin, and somehow today, I find myself as an active heroin addict.

Just over a year ago, I was an average 19 year old girl, full of life and goals and big dreams. A few weeks later, I met a girl who introduced me to methamphetamine and that is where my spiral began.

My life flipped up side down last year when I was in a horrible car accident that should of killed me and my passengers. It began as such an innocent trip. We were just headed down the street to a park, to re-live some of our childhood, sitting on the swings, and going down the slides. But in a blink of an eye, everything changed. 

We were going 90mph around a tight corner and *boom!* Blackness casted over my eyes. I woke up to my cousin shaking me, telling me “wakeup baby girl, the car is going to blow up. Wake up, you need to get out” 

Having not the slightest clue of where I was or what even happened, I looked over at my cousin and saw blood everywhere. She had been punctured by the car headlights and my brother flew from the back seat, through the front window shield. I would end up with massive head trauma and a pair of broken ribs. 

A month later, my brother relapsed on heroin after 5 years of continuos sobriety. He quickly brought his heroin use up to three 100 cc’s a day. He was also using meth and the combination resulted in full blown meth psychosis. And I became his target.

He put a pad lock on the outside of my door and I wanted allowed to leave. For 7 months of this hell, I was mentally broken. He was delusional 100% of the time.  He would threaten me with a knife for thinking I had a key to his closet.

After a while his wife started coming around and she saw all the stuff he was doing to me so she moved in. She helped some, though there were times that the both of us would be hiding from him. I can’t explain why either of us would remain in an environment like that, but drugs played a big role.

Then came a day, where she pulled out a rig and a bag with heroin in it, and that’s where my heroin use began. I felt the rush. I felt that emotion of fear dissolve into the euphoric feeling of nothingness, then I understood why people would use this.

I’ve been using ever since. It doesn’t help that I am the daughter to a mother that deals drugs, including heroin. Yes, it’s a fucked up family dynamic, and to say that my mother “enables” me would be an understatement. Most of the time, she is my supplier.

I’m still an active heroin user to this day and I hate it with a passion. I feel no emotion. I’m constantly wishing my next shot will be my last, but I always wake up sick and end up doing the same shitty cycle; sitting in the same shitty room, looking at the same shitty 4 walls.

Heroin has taken over my soul and ruined my life. I feel like I barely exist. I’m not dead, but not alive. If you want to quit heroin and are not that far along please seek help. I wish everyday that I stopped while I could but I fear I’m now to deep. I exist. I survive, but only to get high. My former self is gone, but you might still have a chance. choose life.

Choose love and happiness. Choose emotions. Choose sadness, choose anger, choose fear. Heroin is not worth it.  Your whole life is too precious, don’t waste it.