• $0.00
Operation Clean Recovery

Gratitude in Recovery

While in active addiction, I found that I happened to have my hand out, a lot. I have always held to the ideal that closed mouths don’t get fed, which is true. As an addict, I exploited that saying to the point it was like beating that dead horse.

In my addict mindset, I found that I was always asking for something. Not only did I ask for it, I expected it. When my request was denied, my brain would take several different routes in order to obtain what I was asking for.

Sometimes I would continue talking about what I was asking for, in the hopes that I would wear the other person down to the point I would hear yes. Other times, I would wait, change my story and approach from my request from a different angle. If there was no way in Hell that I was going to get my way, I would get down right pissed off.

Not only would I get upset, but I would go out of my way to make it known that I was angry. I would make Facebook statuses, do live videos on my Facebook, complain to anyone that would be around me (whether or not they were listening, didn’t matter), and I would go off in a message of my choosing.

Yes, I have a temper. This is something else that I need to work on. But back to the subject at hand.

Now, in the instances that I would get my way, I would be as happy as a clam. Not only that, nine times out of ten, I would disappear until the time came that I would need something else again. Then, I would reappear with my hand out.

This, dear reader, was not an act of gratitude. In fact, I was being COMPLETELY selfish.

I was never one who would not show gratitude. Honestly, I was raised to make sure that I always said please and thank you and to be grateful for what I had. Being an addict, I ended up blocking that part of my brain. I stopped being grateful for the things I had and would receive, and in turn became greedy and somewhat of a monster.

Now for the brighter side of life.

Since I have been in recovery, I can honestly say that I am so very grateful for anything that I have. Over the summer, while on the run, I lost everything that I had accumulated. This happened at least twenty times over.

When I got out of jail, I literally had the clothes on my back. Add to that, those clothes weren’t even mine. They belonged to a friend of mine whose house I was at when I was arrested. I was given the clothes because when the police came I was in leggings and a t-shirt. Definitely not appropriate attire for going to jail in St. Louis.

Over the course of the past month, I have slowly been accumulating things again. Not only am I accumulating things again, but I am keeping them. Let’s add one more ‘not only’ to this. Not only am I keeping them, I AM TOTALLY GRATEFUL FOR ALL THAT I HAVE.

I find that I appreciate so many things so much more now than I ever did before. You could give me a piece of gum, and I will probably tell you thank you two weeks later. I have people actually offer to do things for me now, and I will try to decline it, but I don’t really have that option anymore. Then, when I try to say thank you, I am told that I don’t need to thank whomever it is.

No, yes I do. I don’t say thank you out of need. I say thank you out of gratitude.

You see, losing friends, my freedom, pretty much everything, really makes me see things differently now. If I cannot take it with me when I die, then there is no point in stressing over it. If I am blessed to obtain something that I need and/or want, then I am so thankful for it. I see the sincerity in the actions done for me. I see the generosity in those small gifts given to me. I am thankful for the time spent with me.

All in all, I am so incredibly blessed at this point in my life, and it took me living in the sub-basement of rock bottom to actually see this.

I am just thankful that I am able to see this now, and even more so, I’m able to truly appreciate it in my recovery.

#justme

Leave a Reply

Translate

uncommon8 black web (1)

uncommon8 black web (1)

Subscribe to Operation Clean Recovery via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to us and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Positive SSL