I was up last night and for some reason reading old posts from a support group I was in while my daughter (who’s now 15 months clean) was actively using.
It’s funny how when reading them, they brought me immediately back to when my first love, my Sunshine, was still lost. All the emotions flood in, and it’s prompted me to have a few words with Heroin.
I hate to even begin this with “dear”, as there is nothing dear about you.
I want you to listen to me, to hear what you did to myself, my family, and most of all my addicted daughter.
You stole countless hours of sleep from me. You made me cringe every time my phone rang for almost 2 years. You made me cry almost daily from worry, from pain and helplessly watching you steal away my child Ava. I had to do things no parent should ever have to; watch their child nod out, have her arrested in desperate attempts to save her life, make lose/lose impossible decisions every day, never having any idea what the outcome may be. You took my sweet, bubbly, happy, vivacious girl and turned her into a hollow zombie. You took a beautiful young woman and made her skinny with empty eyes, pick marks all over. You almost murdered my daughter. She loved you more than me. For that, I will forever hate you.
You took from my little girl Ella her sister, that she loves so much, for most of her childhood. Ava would stand her up for you. She would break promises for you. She would steal from Ella, who she loves, for you. You took innocence from my youngest child that didn’t belong to you, and you can never give back. Ella had to watch with confusion as her big sister became something else altogether. You made Ava your bitch. For that, I will forever hate you.
You took from my son his best friend. He has had a difficult life, and you made it a million times more unbearable for a very vulnerable boy. He was so lonely without her. He was angry at what Ava had become, and couldn’t understand why she couldn’t escape you. You made him hate his sister for the behaviors you inflicted on her. You drove her to steal the very first paycheck he had proudly earned by himself. You took years of time away from siblings that love each other so much. For that, I will forever hate you.
Most of all, I hate you for what you did to Ava. She had no idea you were the devil in disguise, whispering sweet lies to her. Telling her she belonged to only you. Making her do things no one should for you. Keeping her in a horrible nightmarish “Groundhogs Day” scenario for years; wake up sick, worry and hustle all day, wait sweating for her dealer to come with you just so she could function. Then only to wake up and do it all again. You made her completely and utterly numb to life. Taking all that time from her that she could have been in school, traveling, making friends, starting a career. Instead you were screaming out for her to steal for you, manipulate for you, sell her body for you, sell her soul… for that, I will forever hate you.
I am glad we kicked your fucking ass. You deserve it and so much more.
She deserves more. Now she has it.