Tue. Mar 26th, 2019

Balance



First let me take a moment and say welcome back to a glimpse of my life. I know I have been gone for a minute, but that’s life for you. It comes at you full force and doesn’t seem to mind what you are already trying to juggle.

Balance.

Balance, in life, is a tricky thing. I know for me it has been. I have had this perfect idea of Balance in my head FOR MONTHS. I figured that once I found Balance, life would just be smooth sailing. I would have found the necessary tweaks to my schedule that would allow for me to sleep, work, go to meetings, see my kids, do my laundry, AND have self care time.

After chasing this elusive creature, Balance, for months, I started to get bitter, frustrated and ungrateful. Those three things are very dangerous for me in my recovery. I was in such a bad mood and I was finding it hard to see the good in things. I was getting easily frustrated, and I wasn’t being very productive in things.

I became a know it all again. Nobody could give me advice on anything because the moment they did, I would cut them off with the proverbial words – I know.

Even if they would continue to talk, I would shut down my listening. I threw myself into my job and ignored my recovery almost completely. I did the
bare minimal I had to do in order to not get violated in Drug Court. I was allowing Balance to systematically tear apart my life, when I wanted it to keep my life together.

Then, I called my sponsor, something else I had been avoiding by the way.
When I started to spit out excuse and justification after excuse and justification, she just listened. When I was finished, she asked me how that was all working out for me? That question stopped me.

How was it working out?

I then told her that if I could just find Balance, it would all be okay. I told her I would get close to it then BAM, Balance would disappear and I would be back at square one. I am so glad I called her that day.

You see, you will never catch Balance. Balance is the unicorn of life. Thanks to my sponsor I now understand that this is all part of life on life’s terms.
One night, I sat at my job and planned every damn day out, to the hour, including sleep, for a whole month, in my planner. The next day the plan went to shit.

Instead of learning to roll with the hiccups in my days, I became determined to adhere to this schedule and it made me so upset and bitter.
Now, after talking to my sponsor, I understand that life is going to happen, ready or not. I can put off things all I want because I need to find Balance, but really that is a whole excuse. Instead, I just create my own Balance.

I have certain things that I have to do on specific days: work, treatment, leadership, and my house meeting. There are specific things I have to do but the days are flexible: see my kids, hit a meeting a week, hit one of two process groups, and do laundry. Everything else are just things that I want to get done, filler.

So, instead of stressing myself out and trying so hard to catch that dirty bastard Balance, I just made my own Balance. Every night at work I make a plan for the next day. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Regardless, I am now okay with the unbalanced Balance in my life.