Thu. Dec 13th, 2018

A Funeral and a Baby Shower

How the hell are these two things related you are likely asking yourself. Allow me to explain. It makes sense in the end, I promise.

From about December of 2015, when I first realized my other half, my Sunshine, was on heroin until October of 2016, a lot of thoughts and emotions raced through my head. It didn’t take long before the full gravity of the situation sank in; my daughter was fighting for her life. I might lose her. I’m not sure anyone but the parent of a sick child can understand what it’s like to know that at any moment you could get a phone call from a stranger telling you that a piece of your heart is gone forever. Just living day after day with that always in your head. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I was hopeful. I never stopped fighting for her even when she no longer cared about herself. But I am a realist, and I would be lying if I said there weren’t times, many times, when I thought I may be planning a funeral for my daughter. I tried to push those unbearable images out of my head but they were there to stay for a long time.

Until one day, probably November or so of 2016, when I saw the changes in her after she had been clean the longest she ever had been, they started to slowly dissipate. I can’t say even though she’s doing amazing and has over 15 months of clean time now that it never creeps in, but I now have the strength to tell those thoughts to get the fuck out of my head. You don’t belong here now. No one ever knows what the future holds, but I can’t let that haunt me forever. I won’t.

Now, after all that time of knowing I could be planning a funeral at any moment, I am instead planning a baby shower for my daughter. It’s truly amazing to be doing this after all we have been through. She is having a little girl that we are thrilled to meet. I just can’t wrap my head around it, it seems so surreal.

I’m sharing this to give hope to loved ones of those addicted. The pain is so unbearable, the process of getting clean and staying clean can be a nightmarish rollercoaster ride, but to see the rewards makes every second worth it. To see my beautiful glowing daughter, to feel my granddaughter kicking away, to be finding something cheerful to wear and not making sure my funeral dress is always handy is just indescribable. I would never have been able to imagine this while she was in active addiction, but here we are!

My daughter is showing her strength and perseverance every day. She is showing she has evolved into everything I knew she could be. She is my best friend, my little warrior queen, and I couldn’t be more proud.

Ava, I love you so much. Kevin, thank you for your unwavering love and support for my Sunshine. Cali, we absolutely can’t wait to hold you, to smell you, to watch you grow to be a warrior princess like your mother.

Never lose hope.