Thank you to my amazing “family.” Merry Christmas!
True heroes come at the strangest times. As tomorrow makes 7-months since my Mom left, I am reminded of how I have come this far. I sometimes get so angry with these boys but it is because I never gave my family a chance to know me. I was scared. After all, the game of chance has not been much of a friend of mine.
This Christmas marks the sixth year that these boys decided to take a chance to give a fair shot at someone who was really down on their luck. You see, it is kind of ironic how our journeys all began. But in order to get back in touch with each other, believe it or not, was through AAA and completely different companies. Nonetheless, they became my rescue rangers.
When I began here, I was trying to be a responsible parent and was in the process of gaining control back over my life when they brought me here. I felt so out of place and they had no clue how ashamed and nervous I was that I would let them down. It seemed like I was constantly setting myself up for failure because I was too scattered to pursue success. When I say this, it means that I am an overachiever with a lot on my plate. I have numerous dreams that I am always trying to accomplish many things. With what my attention span offers though it makes it almost impossible for me to start one project and then give it my all.
I never expected that these guys would help me heal and the ways that they have, even though they never really understood exactly how much this opportunity meant to me.
When I went to my sibling rival (and literally we are like 2-months apart, haha), I sat him down. I explained to him I heard a voice telling me that my story was one that needed to be heard to show others that they too can become something even if another person thinks that their destiny is to be a failure. My rival looked at me as I was sitting across from him, as I told him that I had reached out to someone who shares stories of recovery, and how we’d made the strides that we did in order to beat the slavery of our addictions. You see, in my also having had reached out to this man, he really did not understand the depth of what was going on in my head. I try to explain it then but sometimes what we say does not always come out the way it’s felt, but that this man had given me a fair shot and had pushed me to my own limits where I felt like I was at my breaking point. But, looking back now, I think it was because he secretly saw the passion and the hidden talents I possess and that I am destined for more.
So, when I came here, to my present employment, so mentally messed up with nothing stable in my life, the one thing I longed for was structure. I wanted to have rules and regulations but unfortunately these are things that I only encountered when I was in jail. I always felt safer behind locked doors because then my secrets would not haunt me. I often found myself in unique situations trying to speak from my experiences.
So, when it comes to my trying to explain certain things, to those of you who are in close proximity to me now, it is because I secretly care and I want you to love me as a person. You guys have all taught me what family is and none of you have a clue what your roles have played in my world. Yes, I did all the leg work in order to better myself and come to terms with my past, but I just want to tell you that as I begin to close out my yearly campaigns, I thank you all for your support even if you don’t agree with everything I believe. I also want to share with you exactly what your giving me the courage to face and how it has impacted other peoples’ lives – all that you have led me to follow my heart on.
Last January, I took my recovery to a new level by showing addicts that when we are not chasing an escape we are able to make our own memories and to be proud of the actions that we have taken to heal. In February, I went to Pennsylvania and you boys knew it was to be there for my Mom’s surgery. But what you don’t know is while I was up there, I was also fighting a battle to gain recognition for how serious the situation with addiction is in our nation’s schools – and I mean in grades as low as kindergarten, having laced lollipops being handed out. I was shedding attention to the problems we as a nation were ignoring. By March, I was still floating along, as I was in the process of understanding that my dream to finally be my Mommy’s little girl would only last for seven days. But those seven days I was given was because of you boys and teaching me forgiveness.
In the beginning of April, I was on my way to Delaware to pursue my destiny. I met some of the most amazing people I had ever been given the chance to be in the same room with, and I listened to inspirational stories and each of these people took their grief and accepted their responsibility for the errors of their pasts. In May, my heart would break and be destroyed when my Mom passed away. I now live with knowing how our relationship being as unique as it was has afforded that no one previous has even contacted me. All of these people had known my pain but no one person since has reached out to me. But I know now that these people were never really meant to remain a major constant in my life. Yes, some played important roles, but for the most part they can continue living their lives just as I pursue my dreams and try to be the person that I know I am capable of being.
But it is these boys, who are not only my cousins but also whom I consider to be my brothers. They deny me a lot of trust, but trust me they have plentry of reasons!
I hold them to higher standards because I am not really sure what the ‘norm’ is for being a part of a family. I have never had people who have wanted me to be around, especially when my mind constantly is trying to remind me to stay guarded to protect myself.
While my calendar continues, I know who still remains. It’s these guys, my family, who remind me to remain humble. They are a part of my journey, and I will never forget those who lifted me up. These guys have lifted me with their own wings during my darkest times. I love them all, and without them, I know I wouldn’t have come as far as I have.
Thank you, and Merry Christmas, boys!